I'm sorry

I can’t believe it.
It’s so amazing.
My mind is confused by its beauty.
How did you stand Jesus?
When the world did nothing.
When all hope was gone.
When your Father fully abandoned you.
When it was your turn to stand.
When you took on every sin, every heaviness, every pain, every sorrow, every evil, every injustice, every broken heart, every judgement passed, every tear shed, every knife plunged, every fear, every shout that caused one to be lost.
I think of myself and am ashamed of my weakeness.
You were human yet you took on every evil.
The one that gave you strength could no longer be with you
Because of the evil you took on.
You were alone.
I can’t imagine the pain and emptiness of such aloneness.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hold the cross for you.
I’m sorry that I was too caught up in being the voice in the crowd that mocked you.
Forgive you for mocking you still.
You stood alone
Your father could no longer give you strength
He could no longer be near you
Because of the evil you took on.
Because of the evil that I clothed you in.
I know my hands were there as the cloak was drapped around your shoulders.
I know that my finger was pricked in making a crown of injustice that would sit on your head. Did my heart know then that you were my king?
I am pained by whatever pain I caused you.
I’m sorry.
I know those words mean nothing.
But I’m speechless and my heart’s cry can find only the words:
I’m sorry.
You were human.
I think that I have been good.
Then the arrow pierces deep inside my heart.
The arrow that bellows of the fact that I am the worst of sinners.
I am no less guilty to the one who swung the hammer that plunged the nail in deeper. I know my hand was there also giving the arm that swung the hammer my strength. Pushing the nail deeper until pain was no longer- just numbness. Just an ache that my heart, the heart of your daughter, the one you love, chose to swing the hammer.
I’m sorry.
Why would you do it?
I will never possess the power to understand even a fraction of why all that pain was suffered for the one inflicting the pain.
Why would you do it?
I’m not even worth one scar.
Why would you do it?
Was my face in your mind?
Why would you do it?
My face is not worth a single whip.
I’m sorry, Jesus.
I'm sorry Precious one
I’m sorry for what they did to you.
I’m sorry for what I am doing to you.
I’m sorry.